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Geekrant: Worstest Film

I'm starting this discussion mostly so I can talk about a film I saw last night.

Prior to last night, the top five worst films I'd ever seen (excluding the "so bad it's good" category) were: "The Frighteners", "The Isle of Dr. Moreau" ('90s Brando version), "Ghosts of Mars" (a sci-fi movie that pronounced the word "nuclear" "nucular"), "The Devil's Advocate", and, at #1 and holding, "The Scarlet Letter" (Demi Moore edition).

I'm officially announcing that "Ghosts of Mars" has been bumped from the list, because last night, I saw "Lady in the Water". Seriously--what the hell!?! The ridiculously improbable actions of the badly stereotyped characters; the coherence-lacking plotline (and not in a deliberate, David-Lynch-sort-of-way), the pomposity it must have taken on M. Night Shyamalan's part to create for himself the role of  a sort of world-changing, doomed, noble visionary--all of these things were painful to suffer through, and yet I made myself watch 'til the end. I am a chump.

Based on a bedtime story M. Night Shyamalan wrote for his children, the story is so full of leaps and holes and afterthought-add-on-plot-developers that it must be patiently explained to the viewers in a series of "Oh, here's more of this folktale that my mom has decided to remember so this story makes some sort of sense" narrations. Also, (and maybe Shyamalan did this on purpose to muddy the waters for some bizarre reason), the "folk tale" the story is supposed to be based on is told in fits and starts by a non-English speaking Korean woman (translated by her comic, club-hopping daughter) as she recalls it being told to her as a child--I ask you : are words like "narf", "scrunt", and "eatlon" the least bit Korean sounding?

Did any of the actors involved actually read the script? Were they allowed to? There were some genuinely talented people in the cast of this film, and they (or their agents) should have known better. The cinematography was murky, dark, and full of action-obscuring cuts, which I assume was deliberate, but just looked first-year-of-film-school-amateur.

 
Okay, my rant is over--now it's your turn. What's the worst movie you've seen lately, or what is your all-time five-worst list? 


 

Published Thursday, January 10, 2008 10:18 AM by DeManda Tension

Comments

# re: Geekrant: Worstest Film

I hate a lot of movies!

My least favorite movie of all time is the remake of 'The Hills Have Eyes'. I have not seen the original, but I'm sure I'd hate that, too. Not only did I hate it, but I got up, left the theatre, and demanded my money back. I should have tried to make them give me back my half hour, too.

This is the only film I have ever seen that actually made me think the director (and possibly actors, and maybe even the producer) should be jailed, or institutionalized, or at the very least never be allowed to make another film again and sent into a long time-out to think about what they have done.

Also, I dislike almost every movie which has a cast-member from 'Friends' in it.

Friday, January 11, 2008 9:29 AM by Prof. Hotpants

# re: Geekrant: Worstest Film

Yeah, If I see a "Friend" in a movie, I usually avoid it. Lisa Kudrow is about the only one where I might give it an exception. But if you're David Scwimmer, don't ever count on me seeing anything you are in.

I did watch "Lady in the Water" all the way through and I do agree with everything you say. But, I still think that "The Village" was a lot worse Shamalama movie. He got lucky with one and a half movies and now thinks he can put out his half thought ideas that have plot twist that turn on whatever whim strikes him as he goes along.

Friday, January 11, 2008 10:18 AM by MarkEarly

# re: Geekrant: Worstest Film

Low-brow: "Powder" (which both of my co-film-watchers cried through) and "Coyote Ugly", which made me want to gnaw off my own arm to get out of the trap that was that movie.

High-brow: "Au hasard Balthazar". I'm as smart as the next snotty, pushy, mainstream-movie-contemptuous art school geek, and I HATED this movie. Especially when the girl would run limply away from or towards something. This movie is a paean to limp running. Sainted donkey, my foot.  

Friday, January 11, 2008 11:49 AM by pingotsis

# re: Geekrant: Worstest Film

Oh, and also:

High-brow: "Happiness"/"Storytelling". Todd Solonz may be a snotty, pushy, mainstream-movie-contemptuous art school geek, but he is also an evil bastard who makes me feel bad about myself and everyone around me. It doesn't have to be that way, Todd!  

Friday, January 11, 2008 11:52 AM by pingotsis

# re: Geekrant: Worstest Film

Oooh--That reminds me of a recent high-brow cluster****--the latest Jan Svankmajer movie, "Sileni" (or "Lunatic"). The man has clearly lost his edge and is trying to cover it up by being shocking and offensive just for the sake of being shocking and offensive, with no underlying backbone. I feel he's angry at the ageing process, struggling with whether or not he believes in god and whether or not he's angry at said god (I sense a fear of mortality here). It's preachingly political and the film comes off as a Czech, art-house version of Dana Carvey's cranky old man bits from '80s-era SNL. In the DVD version, he actually felt compelled to make a short introduction to the film in which he rants at the camera and almost petulantly challenges/insults those who don't "get" the film. It made me really sad, as I love just about everything else he's done. Maybe he's approaching senility or something?

Friday, January 11, 2008 12:22 PM by DeManda Tension

# re: Geekrant: Worstest Film

Aw, that's so sad. That reminds me of something that I read that said that, as men grow older, their powers of creativity decrease. However, women retain the same level of creativity throughout their lives. So maybe you and I should take over where Jan left off?

Friday, January 11, 2008 3:11 PM by pingotsis

# re: Geekrant: Worstest Film

I'm thinking stop-motion Hansel and Gretel, myself...

here's an interview that gives a good reason to shun Shyamalan (though I know that Something Awful must sometimes be taken with a grain of salt): http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/wrestling-twister-an.php

Friday, January 11, 2008 3:23 PM by DeManda Tension

# re: Geekrant: Worstest Film

All the way! Did you see the Hansel & Gretel illustration spread in the New Yorker a while ago? I'll have to bring it to you...there are some really good Gahan (sp?) Wilson drawings.

Anyway.

Friday, January 11, 2008 3:42 PM by pingotsis

# re: Geekrant: Worstest Film

I enjoy a lot of mindless spectacle movies, so I was pretty disappointed and baffled by the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. They slimmed down the parts everyone wants (action scenes, Johnny Depp gags) to about 15 minutes, then added 2 1/2 hours of plot exposition that the writers apparently improvised right before each scene was shot.

But the only movies that really make me angry are intellectual and spiritual frauds that try to pass themselves off as profound (aka "Forrest Gump" movies) - American Beauty, Magnolia, Unknown White Male.

Thursday, January 17, 2008 11:23 AM by Cobra77

# re: Geekrant: Worstest Film

Cobra 77: American Beauty, all the way. What a spiritual fraud. The first time I saw that movie, as a 17 year old, I thought it was Brilliant! Moving! So true! Everyone time I've seen it since, I have grown to hate it more. Inane! Offensively boring! A love-letter to the selfish and dull!

Friday, January 18, 2008 1:17 PM by pingotsis

# re: Geekrant: Worstest Film

Oooh! That reminds me that I hate most muchly that Saving Private Ryan film. How condescendingly patronizing and emotionally manipulative was *that* load of crap?!?

Friday, January 18, 2008 2:33 PM by DeManda Tension

# re: Geekrant: Worstest Film

Wow... I thought I was the only one who felt that way about American Beauty. I walked out on the first viewing at the theater. Gave it a second chance and enjoyed it. But now, I can hardly stand to watch it.

I'm alright with Magnolia. Not so much for the actual story but for the caliber of most of the acting in it.

Friday, January 18, 2008 4:07 PM by MarkEarly
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